Communicating Your Needs

Do you ever attribute responsibility for your feelings to another person? For example, do you ever say; "you make me feel...." Or, "I feel because you....?" If you ever communicate in this manner, know you are communicating in mixed messages. This is a form of violent communication.

At the root of feelings are needs. Behind every feeling there lies a certain need. Negative states like anger, depression, guilt or shame means we're not connected to our needs. Instead, we're thinking in terms of some moralistic judgement - either about somebody else (anger) or about ourselves (depression, guilt, shame).

The key to efficient communication is connecting your feelings with your needs because needs give us the most power WITH other people. This connection increases willing giving as opposed to power OVER other people through reward or punishment which reinforces scarcity or discontent.

And the most efficient way to do this is to bring people's attention to our needs that aren't being met. When there's no criticism or demand in place, then it is very natural to enjoy giving. But if you hear criticism or demands then the natural tendency is to defend or attack.

So can you identify your needs that aren't being met - is it a need for peace, respect, acknowledgement, love, support, understanding, empathy..? And beyond this, are you crystal clear what you want when you express your need for...? Saying what you don't want doesn't make clear what you do want.

Have you ever heard someone say; "We're going to get people not to..." Or, "we're going to make them stop...?" Such statements make violence seem attractive. Rather be clear on what specific action you want the person to take to meet your needs?

A request is not a demand driven by a fear of reward, punishment, duty, guilt or obligation. Demands are a form of coercion you'll end up paying for. A good way of noticing if you've made a request or a demand is to remain open to the feedback loop from other people. Another relevant question to ask is; how do you treat people when you don't get what you want?

The trick is to never hear what the other person thinks of you. Rather hear what they feel and what their unmet need is. Then you can work together to have each-others needs met and grow your relationship through authentic communication.