When emotions run high it’s very difficult to have a conversation to either solve a relationship issue or try and achieve a goal.
When we communicate from a space where emotions (positive or negative) are spiking more than normal it’s easy to find fault or blame.
Our core personality - positive or negative, passive or active, introvert or extrovert tends to be enhanced when our emotions run high.
When we communicate from within high emotions, it’s actually the emotion that does the talking or listening - it’s the anger, frustration or stress that’s communicating.
It’s difficult to communicate with any confidence or clarity when our emotions are running rampant because we invariably don’t take ownership of such emotions.
When we do communicate from this point of view, what we say usually comes out all wrong, we end up regretting it, and we create a lot of resentment and misunderstanding in the process.
This erodes trust in any relationship setting you back when it comes to solving problems, achieving goals, increasing productivity, enhancing results.
Would you say that you interpret differently when you are in a mood of anger, than when you are in a mood of happiness? I know I do. For example, the same event may occur and my interpretation of it is radically different when I’m angry than if I’m happy.
It takes a level of skill and maturity to be able to observe your peaked emotions, so as not to communicate from within that space. You can then start to work at understanding them to take ownership of them.
Monday 30 April 2012
Thursday 26 April 2012
The Flaws of Traditional Communication
How often have you been to one of those training talks or team building exercises where what gets expressed has little significant change on your personal development in the workplace?
We attend the talk by the “expert” in the field and we sit through a long presentation with 100 powerpoint slides.
While some of the points may be valid, there is invariably no follow up. We walk out of the talk, perhaps feeling slightly better, or even slightly worse, and in the next couple of days we fall back into bad practices and ineffective communication.
The problem with most powerpoint presentations is that they try to get you to understand, and if you don’t understand you fail. This just erodes trust and creates misunderstanding.
The core assumption of traditional communication is: I must get you to understand me, and you must get me to understand you. This either results in tension or frustration and anger or people just go quiet and sulk in the corner.
Through a process of feeling valued and understood will team performance in the workplace begin to escalate.
Learning healthy communication skills is a process. It’s something that has to be learnt and practiced and then learnt again and practiced again.
If we are to develop empowered team players, strong relationships, success and results in the workplace, we have to take the time to understand ourselves, our colleagues as well as each others feelings, needs, desires and aspirations.
Without a strong sense of identity and connection, we remain at the surface level of fault finding, trying to get people to understand us and marginalization.
We attend the talk by the “expert” in the field and we sit through a long presentation with 100 powerpoint slides.
While some of the points may be valid, there is invariably no follow up. We walk out of the talk, perhaps feeling slightly better, or even slightly worse, and in the next couple of days we fall back into bad practices and ineffective communication.
The problem with most powerpoint presentations is that they try to get you to understand, and if you don’t understand you fail. This just erodes trust and creates misunderstanding.
The core assumption of traditional communication is: I must get you to understand me, and you must get me to understand you. This either results in tension or frustration and anger or people just go quiet and sulk in the corner.
Through a process of feeling valued and understood will team performance in the workplace begin to escalate.
Learning healthy communication skills is a process. It’s something that has to be learnt and practiced and then learnt again and practiced again.
If we are to develop empowered team players, strong relationships, success and results in the workplace, we have to take the time to understand ourselves, our colleagues as well as each others feelings, needs, desires and aspirations.
Without a strong sense of identity and connection, we remain at the surface level of fault finding, trying to get people to understand us and marginalization.
Monday 23 April 2012
The First Step Towards Authentic Communication
Feelings or states of consciousness are chemical reactions that form in our body-mind. Feelings are however, only temporary - if experienced, owned and released, they offer a constant variety of moods and sensations.
When a chemical reaction occurs we may experience a state of consciousness that we term an emotion such as happiness, joy, excitement or anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety.
When it comes to communicating effectively to have our needs met, we have to be in tune with our feelings or states of consciousness. How else are we able to get what we want in life. Communication is fundamental to obtaining success in relationships.
The problem is that many people either suppress their feelings because they see expressing them as weakness. Or, people identify themselves with a plethora of feelings which they don’t know how to handle so they project them onto others.
In both cases there is no ownership of feelings involved. This results in breakdowns in communication and misunderstandings.
The first step in being able to communicate more authentically is to observe and understand your own states of consciousness (feelings). Only once this has occurred will you be able to begin building meaningful relationships.
Honest communication of our feelings, fears and vulnerabilities creates a bond of empathy and understanding with others, from which we can begin to emphasize the goal of what we communicate.
Taking responsibility and ownership of our feelings in a non-judgemental and non-blaming way through clear, concise and uncluttered communication results in successful partner, friend and work colleague relationships.
It is in our nature to want to control our relationships in order to get what we want. This actually creates distrust, misunderstandings, and resentment. Then we have to work at rebuilding the trust again from scratch.
But if we communicate our sadness, concern, frustration or insecurity in the moment, it’s not seen as a justification of these types of feelings, but rather as taking ownership of them, so as to expose and release them. Otherwise we just end up suppressing them or projecting them onto others perpetuating the cycle of misunderstanding.
When a chemical reaction occurs we may experience a state of consciousness that we term an emotion such as happiness, joy, excitement or anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety.
When it comes to communicating effectively to have our needs met, we have to be in tune with our feelings or states of consciousness. How else are we able to get what we want in life. Communication is fundamental to obtaining success in relationships.
The problem is that many people either suppress their feelings because they see expressing them as weakness. Or, people identify themselves with a plethora of feelings which they don’t know how to handle so they project them onto others.
In both cases there is no ownership of feelings involved. This results in breakdowns in communication and misunderstandings.
The first step in being able to communicate more authentically is to observe and understand your own states of consciousness (feelings). Only once this has occurred will you be able to begin building meaningful relationships.
Honest communication of our feelings, fears and vulnerabilities creates a bond of empathy and understanding with others, from which we can begin to emphasize the goal of what we communicate.
Taking responsibility and ownership of our feelings in a non-judgemental and non-blaming way through clear, concise and uncluttered communication results in successful partner, friend and work colleague relationships.
It is in our nature to want to control our relationships in order to get what we want. This actually creates distrust, misunderstandings, and resentment. Then we have to work at rebuilding the trust again from scratch.
But if we communicate our sadness, concern, frustration or insecurity in the moment, it’s not seen as a justification of these types of feelings, but rather as taking ownership of them, so as to expose and release them. Otherwise we just end up suppressing them or projecting them onto others perpetuating the cycle of misunderstanding.
Saturday 21 April 2012
Belief Systems Built on Limit
We are all brought up to believe certain things. These things are influenced by various contexts such as cultural, institutional, parental, communal, or political and financial based systems and ideologies.
These beliefs, over time, become part of our make-up; the neural networks in our brain fire at this frequency for a period of time for a pattern to emerge. This emergent pattern becomes reflected in our behavior which is fundamentally driven by such belief systems and experiences.
Because our beliefs become so embedded in our consciousness, our communication invariably works to reinforce these beliefs. Our beliefs become so believable that we communicate the essence of these beliefs from the very core of who we are.
And because these beliefs are communicated from our very core, we perceive them to be fundamentally right. When we encounter an alternate belief system being communicated at another frequency, it is in our nature to react negatively to it.
After all, if it doesn’t fit in with our belief system then how can it be right? And if it’s not right, then it must be wrong!
However the paradox lies in the fact that in order to evolve the human race, to make systems and structures better, faster, more efficient and more effective, we need new ideas.
But we have to express these new ideas if they are to take root and we are to have any chance of becoming more proficient at what we do.
However, when people communicate things we don’t want to hear – things not in line with our belief system – we try to repress them because we don’t want to change our current belief system. After all, we’ve invested a lot of time and energy in it.
But change I would argue, is happening all the time, this is the law of the universe, this is the way we have evolved as a species progressively through time. However messy it may be, it is both necessary and relevant.
So what lies beneath this clinging on to belief systems that form the patterns of communication, interaction and relationships that stay in one place, resisting development? Belief systems built on limit.
I would argue that it stems from the need to control. When we are in control everything seems under wraps, things are normal, safe and secure. This ultimately is the resistance to change, growth and development that results in the perception of limit as well as lower levels of peace and happiness.
These beliefs, over time, become part of our make-up; the neural networks in our brain fire at this frequency for a period of time for a pattern to emerge. This emergent pattern becomes reflected in our behavior which is fundamentally driven by such belief systems and experiences.
Because our beliefs become so embedded in our consciousness, our communication invariably works to reinforce these beliefs. Our beliefs become so believable that we communicate the essence of these beliefs from the very core of who we are.
And because these beliefs are communicated from our very core, we perceive them to be fundamentally right. When we encounter an alternate belief system being communicated at another frequency, it is in our nature to react negatively to it.
After all, if it doesn’t fit in with our belief system then how can it be right? And if it’s not right, then it must be wrong!
However the paradox lies in the fact that in order to evolve the human race, to make systems and structures better, faster, more efficient and more effective, we need new ideas.
But we have to express these new ideas if they are to take root and we are to have any chance of becoming more proficient at what we do.
However, when people communicate things we don’t want to hear – things not in line with our belief system – we try to repress them because we don’t want to change our current belief system. After all, we’ve invested a lot of time and energy in it.
But change I would argue, is happening all the time, this is the law of the universe, this is the way we have evolved as a species progressively through time. However messy it may be, it is both necessary and relevant.
So what lies beneath this clinging on to belief systems that form the patterns of communication, interaction and relationships that stay in one place, resisting development? Belief systems built on limit.
I would argue that it stems from the need to control. When we are in control everything seems under wraps, things are normal, safe and secure. This ultimately is the resistance to change, growth and development that results in the perception of limit as well as lower levels of peace and happiness.
Wednesday 18 April 2012
The Value of Maturity & New Perspectives
The less perspective you hold, the less skillful, and less mature position you occupy. An example of a less mature and less skillful position could be a generalization or a globalized statement such as; “All women are bad drivers.”
Let’s return to this generalized statement, while we take a look at maturity. I define the word ‘maturity’ as the ability to take on perspective. Much of our modern day communication is built on immature responses and counter responses.
We are not even able to take on another person’s perspective and therefore find it very difficult to relate, to understand, to feel understood, to build connection and develop relationships. We communicate like 2 boxers in the ring - the one punches and expresses his/her opinion, and then the other punches and expresses his/her opinion, and so we go back and forth with little to no clarity, conciseness or depth of understanding.
A more mature position would be to really step into the other person’s perspective, instead of just hearing the words, really listen to them, get their position. For example: “I can see that perhaps I won’t change your position. I can understand your position and I don’t have to change my position, but I can take on your perspective.”
Returning to the “women are bad drivers” generalization. Say a man who held this limited opinion was driving along the road and came behind a car driving very slowly, very carefully, cautiously. The man shouts out: “Hurry up, get out my way, bloody fucking woman driver!” As he passes he turns his head to gesture his frustration and sees that the driver is in fact a man.
Does he use this situation to grow, to alter his limited paradigm/belief system that all women are bad drivers, or does he merely continue along the same limited path by exclaiming: “Dude drives like a bloody woman!”
New perspectives give us more space to work in. This gives us the freedom we desire. It also enables us to become better communicators, which directly influences our relationships at home or in the workplace.
Let’s return to this generalized statement, while we take a look at maturity. I define the word ‘maturity’ as the ability to take on perspective. Much of our modern day communication is built on immature responses and counter responses.
We are not even able to take on another person’s perspective and therefore find it very difficult to relate, to understand, to feel understood, to build connection and develop relationships. We communicate like 2 boxers in the ring - the one punches and expresses his/her opinion, and then the other punches and expresses his/her opinion, and so we go back and forth with little to no clarity, conciseness or depth of understanding.
A more mature position would be to really step into the other person’s perspective, instead of just hearing the words, really listen to them, get their position. For example: “I can see that perhaps I won’t change your position. I can understand your position and I don’t have to change my position, but I can take on your perspective.”
Returning to the “women are bad drivers” generalization. Say a man who held this limited opinion was driving along the road and came behind a car driving very slowly, very carefully, cautiously. The man shouts out: “Hurry up, get out my way, bloody fucking woman driver!” As he passes he turns his head to gesture his frustration and sees that the driver is in fact a man.
Does he use this situation to grow, to alter his limited paradigm/belief system that all women are bad drivers, or does he merely continue along the same limited path by exclaiming: “Dude drives like a bloody woman!”
New perspectives give us more space to work in. This gives us the freedom we desire. It also enables us to become better communicators, which directly influences our relationships at home or in the workplace.
Thursday 12 April 2012
Expressing Gratitude
In all the pain, anger, fear, self righteousness and frustration that we experience in life, do we ever take the time to openly express gratitude to the people that have had a positive impact on our lives?
I challenge you to express gratitude to someone for what they said or did that enriched your life. And by this I don’t mean praise. I do not mean gratitude to reward someone, or to build up his/her confidence, this is just a tool to manipulate or shape someone.
So can you express these 3 things in words when giving someone your gratitude?
The more that gratitude becomes a part of your life, the more fuel and energy you will have to enrich other people’s lives. Can you tap into the power within to enrich other people’s lives by expressing real gratitude, instead of playing the game: who’s right, who’s wrong?
It’s equally important to know how to receive gratitude. If the person who receives your gratitude does so in an empathetic way, you will see it in their eyes.
Why is expressing real gratitude so hard for us to do? And even more so, why is it so hard for us to hear and receive real gratitude?
How often do we feel things very deeply, feelings that never get expressed?
I challenge you to express gratitude to someone for what they said or did that enriched your life. And by this I don’t mean praise. I do not mean gratitude to reward someone, or to build up his/her confidence, this is just a tool to manipulate or shape someone.
So can you express these 3 things in words when giving someone your gratitude?
- The observation: what did the person say or do that enriched your life?
- How do you feel right now by recalling what happened?
- What need of yours was met?
The more that gratitude becomes a part of your life, the more fuel and energy you will have to enrich other people’s lives. Can you tap into the power within to enrich other people’s lives by expressing real gratitude, instead of playing the game: who’s right, who’s wrong?
It’s equally important to know how to receive gratitude. If the person who receives your gratitude does so in an empathetic way, you will see it in their eyes.
Why is expressing real gratitude so hard for us to do? And even more so, why is it so hard for us to hear and receive real gratitude?
How often do we feel things very deeply, feelings that never get expressed?
Tuesday 10 April 2012
The Power of New Distinctions in Communication
How can we do something better, faster, and more accurately?
Is there something that will give you an edge to be more successful in your chosen domain?
One very influential tool in communication that could result in greater success lies in the power of a distinction.
A new distinction in a certain domain results in a new capacity for purposeful action in that domain.
For example, let’s take an auto mechanic. Peering under the hood, what you and I see is very different to what he/she sees. You and I may see an engine and some wiring. A mechanic may see spark plugs, a fuse relay centre, the fuel solenoid, electronic fuel injection, rotor heads, different gaskets, oil pans and so on.
Because they see what you and I don’t see, they can do infinitely more in this domain. We have different capacities for action in this domain due to the different sets of distinctions that we operate from.
If we spend a month with the mechanic however, we will begin to acquire new distinctions and therefore our capacity for action in this domain increases. If you teach me new distinctions in the domain of auto mechanics, I promise you that the next time I peer under the hood of a car, I won’t just see an engine.
New distinctions, through effective communication, opens the door to new possibilities for enhanced action of accuracy, speed, execution and therefore results.
Is there something that will give you an edge to be more successful in your chosen domain?
One very influential tool in communication that could result in greater success lies in the power of a distinction.
A new distinction in a certain domain results in a new capacity for purposeful action in that domain.
For example, let’s take an auto mechanic. Peering under the hood, what you and I see is very different to what he/she sees. You and I may see an engine and some wiring. A mechanic may see spark plugs, a fuse relay centre, the fuel solenoid, electronic fuel injection, rotor heads, different gaskets, oil pans and so on.
Because they see what you and I don’t see, they can do infinitely more in this domain. We have different capacities for action in this domain due to the different sets of distinctions that we operate from.
If we spend a month with the mechanic however, we will begin to acquire new distinctions and therefore our capacity for action in this domain increases. If you teach me new distinctions in the domain of auto mechanics, I promise you that the next time I peer under the hood of a car, I won’t just see an engine.
New distinctions, through effective communication, opens the door to new possibilities for enhanced action of accuracy, speed, execution and therefore results.
Wednesday 4 April 2012
The Times They Are A-Changin
The seasons are starting to shift again. It’s that time of year, where for us in the Southern Hemisphere, winter is upon us, and for those in the Northern hemisphere, you’re approaching warmer climes.
The change in seasons spring to mind a greater, more fundamental change on a global scale.
We can no longer sit back and deny global warming, there is too much scientific evidence available to suggest it is happening. The polar ice caps are diminishing and only another Ice Age will bring them back.
The Rhino stands on the edge of extinction because some people in Asia believe that its horn offers some sort of supernatural sexual power.
Economically, times are not getting better. The credit crisis, fractional banking systems built on debt and valueless products like derivatives have brought about huge amounts of fear.
Oil companies continue to rape, pillage and plunder the earth’s resources for oil and will use dirty tactics to buy-out new innovative energy saving technology - the petrol price will continue to climb.
All this while the Masters of Mankind continue to abuse power. Corporations are making sure that they throw billions of dollars at political campaigns so that their best interests are at heart.
Times are changing rapidly and with the advent of the internet, so too are we seeing an increase in awareness of the types of challenges we are faced with. Global consciousness is increasing.
I believe that the role personal development can play in increasing this consciousness can be profound. Increased levels of consciousness can hold greater perspective. We are therefore better equipped to deal with the problems around us.
However if we don’t even have awareness of the problems, then we are on board a freight train increasing its speed exponentially toward an abyss.
With an increase in awareness and consciousness comes the ability to work together, form coalitions, partnerships and groups where healthy dialogue can take place on how to move forward. First though, an understanding and awareness of ‘here’, then communication and cooperation on how to get ‘there’. Are we entering a time crying out for ‘leaderless’ leadership?
The change in seasons spring to mind a greater, more fundamental change on a global scale.
We can no longer sit back and deny global warming, there is too much scientific evidence available to suggest it is happening. The polar ice caps are diminishing and only another Ice Age will bring them back.
The Rhino stands on the edge of extinction because some people in Asia believe that its horn offers some sort of supernatural sexual power.
Economically, times are not getting better. The credit crisis, fractional banking systems built on debt and valueless products like derivatives have brought about huge amounts of fear.
Oil companies continue to rape, pillage and plunder the earth’s resources for oil and will use dirty tactics to buy-out new innovative energy saving technology - the petrol price will continue to climb.
All this while the Masters of Mankind continue to abuse power. Corporations are making sure that they throw billions of dollars at political campaigns so that their best interests are at heart.
Times are changing rapidly and with the advent of the internet, so too are we seeing an increase in awareness of the types of challenges we are faced with. Global consciousness is increasing.
I believe that the role personal development can play in increasing this consciousness can be profound. Increased levels of consciousness can hold greater perspective. We are therefore better equipped to deal with the problems around us.
However if we don’t even have awareness of the problems, then we are on board a freight train increasing its speed exponentially toward an abyss.
With an increase in awareness and consciousness comes the ability to work together, form coalitions, partnerships and groups where healthy dialogue can take place on how to move forward. First though, an understanding and awareness of ‘here’, then communication and cooperation on how to get ‘there’. Are we entering a time crying out for ‘leaderless’ leadership?
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