Each person has their own understanding of life.
Your beliefs and assumptions form the totality of your mindset, and your mindset shows up in the world in your behavior.
Are there any aspects of your behavior that you find limiting?
Do you perceive scarcity? By this I mean do you feel the need to push back or up against things (behavior, situations, people) to get what you want?
When you don't get what you want with this perception, how do you feel? Frustrated, anxious, stressed?
How do we escape a rut so we can show up more authentically, feel better about ourselves, and get what we want?
One idea would be to let go of the need to control. How often do we try control situations, other people, even ourselves to get what we want?
Let me ask you: when you board a 747 aeroplane to whatever destination, and the plane takes off, who is in control of that plane? The logical, rational answer would be the pilot of course.
But what if there was a man on this plane wearing a black leather jacket. Clipped on the inside pocket of his jacket is what looks like a Mont Blanc pen. However, this is no ordinary Mont Blanc pen. This is the most sophisticated and technologically advanced bomb ever made capable of escaping detection. The detonation mechanism on this bomb is simply one twist of the pen, as if you were getting it ready to write.
So my question now is: who is in control of the plane?
See, we are never truly in control, yet we try to exert control for a healthy percentage of time. At best, I would say we have a degree of influence.
When we let go of our need to control, we feel a lot more free, we show up more authentically, and we can work with relevance to get what we want.
Personal development, among other things, consists of moving up through levels. As one masters a level psychologically and physiologically so one transcends and includes that level.
As we move up to the more sophisticated level, the landscape changes because everything becomes more complex. We may have to shift our belief systems and rewire our thinking in order to become accomplished players at that level.
It reminds me of climbing a mountain. When I climbed Aconcagua back in 2007, we ascended this beast of a mountain at 1000 meter intervals from base camp.
As you ascend the landscape changes from barren to moonscape to snow and ice. The air gets thinner and thinner and sometimes you have to spend as long as 24 hours acclimatizing to the lack of oxygen. Headaches set in, you feel short of breath and your pace gets more gradual the higher you get.
Your equipment also changes: you start wearing thermals, North Face Down Jackets, Crampons, and Koflach boots.
Personal development requires one, if one is interested in moving up to higher levels, to be able to hold more perspective.
This means for example that you not only connect with your needs, but also with your partners needs, the needs of your family, your community's needs as well as what’s going on with your country and the world at large.
As things accelerate, our ability to stay focused, calm as well as hold increased perspective and understanding becomes more and more important. Because at 6000 meters above sea level there’s a lot that can go wrong.
So I ask you: are you mentally prepared for the rate of acceleration by which things are changing?
The Nature of Maintaining Personal & Relational Growth.
I’ve got 4 bonsais - a couple of acacias, a marula, and a fig which I enjoy tending to. Pruning, watering, weeding.
I know that I need to maintain them and water them at least once, if not twice a day as these types of trees flourish with lots of water in the hot African climate.
If I neglect them then weeds begin to sprout, the roots don’t get the required amount of water and the foliage is not healthy and robust.
If I take my eye off them for 2 days or longer then I must spend extra time on them, especially the weeding. But if I do a bit of work on them every day, then it’s relatively smooth sailing.
One untended weed however quickly turns into 2, which turns into 4, which turns into 8 and so they increase exponentially.
Similarly when everything is going swimmingly at work or at home, then everything seems intact. But what happens when for example, we have an argument with a work colleague or partner?
What happens when we neglect the needs of our partner or boss? In such times of high anxiety or pressure at work, the unwanted or careless thought consumes all in its path in a millisecond.
Much like staying focused on maintaining my bonsais, I think we have to work at maintaining the poise and practice to stay mentally focussed, alert, open, and responsive to develop and grow on a personal and relational level as well.
Clarity lies on the opposite side of knowing that we don’t know that which we don’t know.
Acknowledging the fact that we don’t know opens the door for learning to take place.
How often do we move along oblivious to the fact that we don’t know, or we choose to ignore it altogether? It’s only when we get hit by a ton of bricks that we wake up to this fact.
Why wait for some sort of breakdown to open up to ignorance so we can begin to learn? Opening up to not knowing results in increased levels of psychological maturity. Ignorance, you can do something about, blindness is permanent.
We’ve been programed in a sense to believe that it’s not okay to not know. I think this is dangerous territory because it stifles our learning and puts the brakes on our growth.
It’s no good admitting that we don’t know only to be ridiculed for our ignorance because then we’re sure as hell aren’t going to admit that again and the door shuts on future learning opportunities.
Contrary to popular belief, there’s nothing wrong with not knowing. In fact, I would go so far to say it’s a good thing because then we are beginning to use a growth mindset which helps us get the results we're looking for.
I think it’s important for us to open ourselves up to failure, rejection and ignorance because that gives us an opportunity to learn and grow. Otherwise we merely reinforce the original assumption of it’s not ok to not know.
I remember standing at the start of the under 12 inter-house 200 meters. My heart pounding and my body filled with that nervous energy. I wanted to do well, maybe even win the race.
Take your marks, get set, boom, the gun explodes and I was quick out the blocks and into a fast stride, perhaps a little too fast. I remembered my dad’s advice clearly - “stride down the back straight and reserve something in the tank for the last 50 meters.”
This advice I didn’t heed, I was moving it down the first 100 at a rapid rate, leading the race. I hit the bend and I was thinking, I’ve got this all sewn up. I got lulled into a false sense of security, enabling my 2 closest rivals to catch up.
The final 100 was lined with spectators cheering, the extra something I needed to get over that line in 1st place. But something switched my focus and I turned my head to the right to see the other 2 competitors exactly in line with me sprinting neck and neck for the finish line.
This was a psychological blow for me. I had been leading up to this point, and if I was not leading, I was not going to win the race. I gave up, took my foot off the gas and came in 3rd place.
What if I had, instead of giving up, used the other competitors parity as extra motivation to push harder than ever before, to dig deep and find that extra something to keep going? Perhaps the outcome would have been different. But more importantly I wouldn’t have felt so bad knowing I had given it my all.
The lecture I received from my dad about how not to give up has stuck with me to this day. How often do we abandon something when we are so close to success, just to give up because it’s just too hard to maintain the momentum?
Traditional learning goes something like this: you go to school, learn a bunch of subjects, and if you get the grades and so wish, go to university. Here you learn more subjects, some of them more specialized, and if you pass you get your degree, diploma, certificate.
You’re now “qualified” to get a job in the real world. Once you’ve got the job, you learn the work, and you do this work day in and day out, and the learning stagnates.
A more authentic, fluid way of learning evolves and develops over time. I think we all agree that things are constantly changing, moment to moment. If we stop learning then we stop growing. Our psychological development stays at the level where we stop learning and the world leaves us in her wake.
See, learning doesn’t stop at the intellectual level. Once we learn “about” something we have to put that into practice and in so doing, gain the relevant experience. Next, we need to embody the learning, actually become what we have learnt. This is mastery and it exists at every level of growth.
“In times of change, those who are prepared to learn will inherit the land, while those who think they already know will find themselves wonderfully equipped to face a world that no longer exists.” Eric Hoffer
Language and our interpretation of events, and not the actual events themselves, frame the results we get as well as our future actions.
You’ve been striving for that promotion for months now, only to recently find out that it’s been given to someone else. What goes through your mind:
- My boss favours Julia more. I am more qualified, but he simply likes Julia more. I need to find another job where I’m more appreciated.
- I knew I wouldn’t get it! These things never go my way, I’ll never move up the company ladder!
- Maybe there are aspects of my performance that need improving. I wonder if Julia and my boss would be open to a conversation about how I could improve?
- Julia must have sabotaged my chances by either bad mouthing me, or schmoozing the boss, heck maybe she used her sex appeal..
Each explanation serves as a starting point for future actions, which lead to certain interactions and results.
What’s your explanation or internal narrative, are you even aware of it, and that you’ve been building them your whole life?
If you’re not aware of your explanations, the option of creating a more powerful story isn’t even an option!
Happiness is about creating the right balance between peacefulness and productivity. What do you think?
Peacefulness is the subjective, qualitative nature of your life experiences. This includes how you feel about your life: the degree to which you experience pain, suffering, happiness, satisfaction or dissatisfaction in an ongoing way.
Productivity is the quantitative, more objective side of things. It’s the getting-things-done side, the real-world, tangible, results side, the making a contribution side. It’s also the purpose-driven side, the part of your life that gives you inherent meaning.
Happiness includes both these aspects. It includes and is balanced proportionally between the 2.
How do we dissolve toxic barriers that keep us from growing and build healthy boundaries instead which aid our growth?
A barrier is a contraction and the defence of a position, idea or belief and a boundary an expansion, relaxation and willingness to look into the validity of 'limits'. A boundary is held in a space of inquiry.
How do you dissolve a barrier?
- Observe and relax into the barrier.
- Can you understand and be aware of your defensiveness?
- What’s your position in relation to the barrier and what words do you use in relation to your barrier?
- How do you feel when you get into defensive mode?
You will feel empowered when you hold a boundary, you will feel relaxed, expansive, open, alert, mature, confident and grounded. You know you held your boundary even though perhaps you upset someone in doing so.
Barriers come up as a means of protecting oneself when one is hurt, another barrier could just be unskillful means. Fear, anger and bad skills are all barriers.
Let’s say you value that your children(adult) don't take drugs at home. Here’s the healthy version:
- You’re clear on why you have that boundary and what the consequences are, if that boundary is transgressed.
- You’re open to reviewing that boundary as your values and circumstances evolve and change.
- You’re able to hold the boundary as you’re clear about why you have it to begin with.
Barriers are created unconsciously and because you don’t intentionally develop them, you feel a little out of alignment when you have to defend them. Since values are intrinsic to identity, if one's unconscious boundaries are trampled on you will feel trampled on, and that's going to cause pain, suffering and some sort of push-back.
Clear, healthy boundaries are important because they serve to manifest our values in the world.
Well, what is an authentic response? I believe that true authenticity in communication lies in knowing oneself. And what do I mean by this? I mean how aware are you of your own being? Learning to communicate authentically requires us to become aware of our body, our thoughts and our emotions.
Here are some relevant questions I would like to pose to you in relation to this: how connected are you to what’s real and authentic and do you know where that’s coming from? What are the causes of your thoughts and feelings? What keeps you from your authentic self in relation to others?
Say you meet someone and they pay you a compliment, but subconsciously you strip it of all its emotional richness, so the only way you connect with it is on an intellectual level. How much of this type of thinking influences your relationships? What barrier have you put up that prevents you from receiving the fullness of the compliment?
Your ability to communicate authentically with others is in direct relation to your capacity to have strong boundaries - you’re clear on what you want and what you don’t want. These boundaries are important because they enable you to connect with yourself at an emotional, body, and mind level. And until you can do this, you can’t connect with and communicate authentically with others.
The natural instinct would be to assume that clear boundaries inhibit communication and that to communicate authentically we would have to relax them. On the contrary, clear, healthy boundaries ground us in the totality of who we are, thereby making that connection with another person more fulfilling. There’s a difference between a mental barrier, which strips whole hearted connection and a healthy boundary which enhances it.
You can’t read into another without knowing yourself and you need contrast in order to know yourself. Close your eyes. What is there, nothing but blackness, no contrast whatsoever. It’s just black, no differentiation, you don’t know what’s yours and what isn’t yours. Similarly, if you want to learn how to communicate with your partner you need to know what’s yours and what’s not yours.
If we are to learn to communicate authentically we first need to be connected to our own energy - body, mind and spirit, and then learn to integrate all 3. Once you have created this connection you can more easily communicate with your partner, work at meeting each others needs, and grow your relationship.
