Communicating Your Needs

Do you ever attribute responsibility for your feelings to another person? For example, do you ever say; "you make me feel...." Or, "I feel because you....?" If you ever communicate in this manner, know you are communicating in mixed messages. This is a form of violent communication.

At the root of feelings are needs. Behind every feeling there lies a certain need. Negative states like anger, depression, guilt or shame means we're not connected to our needs. Instead, we're thinking in terms of some moralistic judgement - either about somebody else (anger) or about ourselves (depression, guilt, shame).

The key to efficient communication is connecting your feelings with your needs because needs give us the most power WITH other people. This connection increases willing giving as opposed to power OVER other people through reward or punishment which reinforces scarcity or discontent.

And the most efficient way to do this is to bring people's attention to our needs that aren't being met. When there's no criticism or demand in place, then it is very natural to enjoy giving. But if you hear criticism or demands then the natural tendency is to defend or attack.

So can you identify your needs that aren't being met - is it a need for peace, respect, acknowledgement, love, support, understanding, empathy..? And beyond this, are you crystal clear what you want when you express your need for...? Saying what you don't want doesn't make clear what you do want.

Have you ever heard someone say; "We're going to get people not to..." Or, "we're going to make them stop...?" Such statements make violence seem attractive. Rather be clear on what specific action you want the person to take to meet your needs?

A request is not a demand driven by a fear of reward, punishment, duty, guilt or obligation. Demands are a form of coercion you'll end up paying for. A good way of noticing if you've made a request or a demand is to remain open to the feedback loop from other people. Another relevant question to ask is; how do you treat people when you don't get what you want?

The trick is to never hear what the other person thinks of you. Rather hear what they feel and what their unmet need is. Then you can work together to have each-others needs met and grow your relationship through authentic communication.

What's Your Purpose?

Have you ever asked yourself the question: "What am I here to do or say? What is my purpose?"

This is a question that has been with me for a very long time as I'm intrigued by what it means to live with a sense of purpose. Perhaps this is part of living with purpose - it's always difficult and grappling.

But there's something about staying in the question that is so interesting and exciting. For our path may diverge and then diverge yet again, meaning we always need to return to the question - "what am I here to do or say?"

Developing purpose I think is not supposed to be plain sailing. I have read countless articles on how to discover your purpose. But after having read all these articles, although I found some relevant stuff, I felt like there was always something missing. Something in the realm of purpose felt incomplete. Instead of fighting this I learnt to stay with the 'not knowing.'

After all the searching and contemplating and staying in the question, a new ideology emerged. And this is what the coaching process has taught me. Being coached and coaching other people I have learnt that the end point is not the key. So often we are grasping onto, clinging to or craving a certain outcome that will result in having arrived at our purpose. I have come to realize that this idea is at its core, a very limited perception.

This false assumption is merely part of a system of thinking that has been developed through years and years of conditioning - find your purpose and all will be well! This is just part of a mindset that perceives limit, and in its perception of limit, it perceives purpose as something to 'get' too.

These are the mindset assumptions, ideologies, values and belief systems that I believe we need to question if we are to develop higher levels of purpose. By doing this we are essentially saying; "Hey, I'm willing to open myself up to development and I'm not going to be confined to or limited by one set of perceptions. I'll not be a victim of a particular logic that reinforces limit and governs my thoughts, behavior and results (personal or professional) accordingly."

And herein lies a crux moment. Because in order for us to open ourselves up to this new way of thinking, we have to question our own identity. I have therefore, aligned purpose very closely with identity - knowing how we think, knowing what drives our behavior (motive), and questioning various behavioral patterns.

Clearer identity will result in a clearer sense of purpose. In accordance with identity I have outlined a few other areas that need to be considered when developing higher levels of purpose. Here they are.

• Purpose works from a space of freedom. It is non-restrictive. As soon as you place a limit on purpose you confine yourself to the realm of the ordinary. And purpose is definitely not ordinary - it is the highest form of intelligence, personal development, spiritual growth and human capability.
• Purpose is expansive. In order to develop higher purpose you need to adopt an expansive mindset. For greater insight into the expansive mindset click here.
• Purpose requires intimate knowledge and development of skills, talents and passions. When we advance in all 3 areas we automatically begin to tap into higher levels of purpose. The more time we spend on honing our skills and talents towards what we enjoy doing and using this to make a difference in the world, the greater our purpose will be.
• Purpose stems from a belief system. This system is built on something greater than self. Yet paradoxically it comes from a deep inner motivation, something not so much driven by external circumstances - and clinging to the outcome of those circumstances. Rather, purpose is intrinsically aligned with overcoming challenges and complexity from within a higher self. What challenges you and gives you that sense of fulfillment for moving through the challenge? Therein you will develop your purpose. 

So just to recap, purpose is not something to discover out of thin air. It's more something to grapple with, to feel uncomfortable about. Purpose evolves out of a belief system that goes beyond the confines of limit to a much higher path of personal growth and development. In order for us to emerge at these higher levels of purpose we need to engage with identity and all its complexity. And stay in the question!

Words like...

adamant, arbitrary, argumentative, arrogant and autocratic, all pertain to the pejorative 'I' - the victim, the poor me complex or the ego.

People in these states take little, or no responsibility for their thoughts, feelings or behavior. Instead, a person displaying these attitudes will enjoy shifting the blame. Often on to external circumstances. They may speak the words, "It's not my fault," to absolve themselves of responsibility.

When we transform these fear-driven states, we begin to take responsibility for our attitudes and behavior and we can start to use words like; aware, awakened, humble, relevant, cooperative. Words more akin to an expansive mindset.

A Zen Aspirant...

will focus on continuous and lifelong practice in the direction of becoming a fully awakened and aware humane being.  Zen places special emphasis on practicing moment to moment awareness in daily life throughout everyday of the week. 

2 years ago I went on a meditation retreat where I meditated for 10 hours a day for 10 days. I was taught to be present to the nature of reality as it is, without trying to control whatever arises from moment to moment. Aches and pains, physical sensations, thoughts all arise and then pass away. Such is the impermanence of being. 

While I believe this type of intense training was necessary for my own personal growth, I don't believe that we all have to undergo such intense training to integrate more and more awareness into our daily lives. 

This is where we can learn from Zen; Zen emphasises the training of attention and bare awareness, while infusing this into everyday life. 

As soon as you notice yourself getting irritated or agitated, empty your mind by allowing whatever is consuming your thoughts to arise and then pass away, like a cloud drifting across the vast expanse of sky.

Take a leaf from the book of the Zen aspirant by noticing the feeling and being present to that and the nature of reality as it is in that moment. And continue to practice this throughout your day, throughout your week. What happens? 

Working Within The Constraints.......

is not something we're used to because it creates a lot of discomfort. Constraints are traditionally seen as the problem. Constraints are deemed restrictive and confining - like you're wearing a jacket a couple sizes too small for you.

This is because we're pushing back against the constraints to try and control them. This ends up depleting the amount of space we have to work in. This also constrains our creativity. We end up trying to overcome the constraints as a solution to the problem.

However, this way the constraints are still there, except now we are working around them. Kinda like tip toeing around shattered glass to make sure that no shards get lodged into your bare feet. Our natural growth, development and progression is halted, reigned in and made smaller by our having to work around the constraint.

I would say that a better way to deal with a constraint would be to acknowledge its presence. Only by acknowledging the presence of the constraint can we begin to understand its nature. If we have the relevant knowledge of the constraints, we can begin to work from within them. And this is where the most unique and creative solutions to our problems come from.

Constraints shouldn't then be seen as something separate from the problem - something to be dodged like Ben Stiller dodging balls on Dodgeball. Instead of resisting the constraints and trying to push-back against them to get rid of them or control them, see if you can first acknowledge them, understand them, feel into them and embrace them.

Allow your ideas to grow organically out of the constraints that are preventing your business or life from moving forward in the direction you want. This will end up giving your life and work more definition, more meaning and much more fulfillment.

Ernie Schenck, the creative director and writer described working from within the constraint best when he said, "the biggest secret of productive creative people is that they embrace obstacles, they don’t run from them. In their minds every setback is an opportunity, every limitation is a chance. Where others see a wall, they see a doorway."

How to Handle Difficult Situations

What happens when we handle a situation with disdain? When we're left with that lingering bitter aftertaste in our mouths? Something happens that fundamentally questions our values, our world-view, our motive for participation or our perception (of self or external environments).

Perhaps we've spent hours working on a project only for someone to come along and question its validity... Or, maybe we clash with a work colleague, friend, spouse or partner on a certain issue.

The point is, something happens which shifts our perception of the way things 'should be.' This mind altering shift generates an uncomfortable feeling inside of us as who we are, our message, and where we're coming from is called into question.

Dealing with such a situation is never easy. It's profoundly difficult to take on the other person's perspective when ours has just been questioned by the same person. This is why we end up resisting or pushing back against their point-of-view. We feel that we need to protect or preserve who we are through resistance.

The problem in dealing with a situation in this manner is that the 'incident' ends up causing us more pain and discomfort in the long run. Looking back on the time when our perspective was questioned, we begin to realize that the way we responded influenced our very own state of consciousness. No we weren't relaxed and no, we didn't respond in a calm, focused way.

And this is precisely the cause of either a lack of motive, means or maturity. Because we're unable to take on the other person's perspective, our attitude to and response (behavioral and communicative) to the situation only deepens our pain. We experience the situation through emotions like anger, stress or frustration. Words like, "You don't understand me," ring forth from our lips.

Only by very intentionally relaxing into the psychological contraction can we begin to understand where the other person is coming from (regardless of whether we agree with them or not). And only then can we respond with heightened focus, intention, skill and intelligence. Next time you're faced with a difficult situation, see if you can relax into the present moment. How does this influence your relationship to the person or situation?

Mastering States of Consciousness

Besides some already established Eastern traditions, we place little significance on mastering states of consciousness. By states of consciousness I mean our ability to stay present to, and not influenced by negative states driven by fear, such as stress or anger?

We spend far more time developing strategies and tactics to get us to where we want to go. The time, effort and the stress created out of developing these strategies and tactics ends up negatively impacting not only our well being, but also our productivity. 

I'm not suggesting we don't need relevant strategies and tactics to help us along the way. I am however suggesting that the strategies and tactics we use would align much better and flow a lot easier if we learnt to master states of consciousness too. 

The future will increasingly demand that we develop rare and valuable skills for new systems more useful to us and our environments. Developing rare and valuable skills can be profoundly demanding and uncomfortable. Mastering states of consciousness, like fear and all it's negative emotions, holds more weight now than ever before.