How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Poor Communication

How often do we make the assumption that we think the other person knows where we're coming from, where we think they understand us?

I went to my aunt's 70th birthday over the weekend and sat next to a very interesting lady over brunch. We got chatting and I told her about the mindset and communication coaching I do.

The conversation evolved to a point where she told me about her difficult split from her husband a few years ago. The split caused a natural upheaval in her life and I got the sense that it caused her a lot of pain.

What struck me the most about the conversation I had with her was where it went from there. I told her about authentic communication and how this helps relationships (business/personal) evolve in healthy ways.

Authentic communication, although simple and effective, hardly ever gets used in our relationships. When things go wrong in relationships, we tend to bury our true feelings under mixed messaging and misunderstandings. We end up getting more and more frustrated because we can't understand why the other person doesn't 'get' us.

Our conversations go in circles and there's no clarity in the way we communicate. As a result we increasingly struggle to meet each others needs.

Authentic communication is really about connecting with what we feel and learning to express these feelings in an open manner without fear of criticism, blame or judgement. This opens up channels for us to communicate what we need from the relationship.

We also have to work at being open and available to listen with empathy and understanding to the other person's feelings and needs. We can then move forward by working together to meet each others needs. If we can't meet the other person's needs then we should be honest about this and work from within the constraint.

The lady with whom I was in conversation with was so taken by this form of effective communication that she believed that had she used the process with the right kind of guidance, then she might never have gone through with the divorce.

Perhaps this runs a little deeper in that we've taken on old, ineffective ways of communicating that limit us from getting what we want. Instead of taking ownership of our feelings, we have somehow come to believe that openly expressing our feelings is seen as being too vulnerable or 'out of control.'

All this when the opposite is true - opening up to our feelings allows for growth to take place.