A Question of Priorities

Getting what you want is influenced, to a large degree, by your priorities.

A couple divorces. After 2 years of being the sole support for their son, the mother is now angry and frustrated. She needs financial support for insurance and medical bills as well as for the father to be more actively involved with their son to allow her some time off.

She could resort to legal action that would be expensive and difficult, not to mention the years or lifetime of tension and anxiety that it would create.

First off she needs to become clear on what she wants and how much of a priority that is because in order to do this, it's going to take time and energy. If it's not a priority, one that we can give time and energy to then better just to drop it altogether or in this case, take a chance in court.

A more intelligent approach would be to visit a mediator before anything else because it’s unlikely that when emotions run high we're going to find the clarity to think and act purposefully. If she can learn through this mediation process to think, act and communicate more authentically then she might be able to get what she wants.

It’s all well and good knowing what you need in relation to the challenges you face, but authentic communication takes time and energy and we can only deal with so much at a time.

So how could she prioritize this according to her need for financial support among others? It’s critical to not only know what we need, but how important it is.

1. accept and work to change a situation
2. accept and move away from it (if possible) if it's unacceptable and we determine we either can’t change it or it's not a priority
3. accept and live with it if it's unacceptable but we can't change it or its not a priority and/or we can't move away from it.

The difficulty lies in the acceptance of a certain issue because we are so used to pushing back or resisting when things don’t go our way.

The traditional way of getting what we want is to push back or demand it and then we wonder why we end up frustrated when we don’t get what we want.

A Programmed Language of Moralistic Judgement

We’ve been programed to communicate in enemy images - right or wrong, good or bad, deserved or undeserved, appropriate or inappropriate.... This is a moralistic language of judgement.

This language is embedded in our psyche at a young age by our parents, then by our school teachers, by universities, organizations.

I went to a very traditional school where if you did well academically or sportingly, especially rugby, you were rewarded and thrust into the spotlight. Communication is defined by a set of rules that you have to conform by - you must attend chapel everyday, learn the school hymn, wear uniform, cut your hair, polish your shoes, make tea and sandwiches for prefects, get grades to get into university.

And this type of communication is found everywhere in our relationships, after all it’s what we’ve been programed to know. It’s deeply entrenched in corporate culture where if you don’t work to satisfy shareholder value, then you’re deemed surplus to requirements.

This type of communication is built on limit and control. The objective: get everyone to conform. This language is destructive and denies choice or responsibility.

It’s communication that’s built on shame, guilt, duty, reward, punishment, and everyone pays for it because it separates us from what we want at a deep level.

This is communication that abounds in the game of who’s right, and if you’re wrong, then you must be punished. Although highly toxic, there’s a kernel of truth to it. The clean and necessary part of it lies in its ability to uphold boundaries as well as helping us heal at that level where we experience pain.

The real objective should be: never try teach anybody anything, never try to change anyone. This type of power lies within self, and we know it, we’ve just lost the connection with it.

Authentic Communication

Do your conversations quickly turn into arguments thereby putting pressure on your relationship? Do you feel misunderstood when you try have a meaningful conversation and therefore never seem to get what you want?

Does it become uncomfortable for you to voice what you’re feeling for the fear that it might turn into another fight? What’s going on here, and is there a solution to this problem?

One way to escape this is through empowered communication: Learning to communicate more effectively gives you understanding, connection, the ability to build meaningful relationships, gives you what you want.

The first step lies in being able to understand and connect with what you want. If I get what I want will my problem be solved?

Then connect with the feeling behind your unmet need: are you annoyed, angry, confused, disconnected, embarrassed, tense, sad... Naming the feeling gives you ownership of it, otherwise it's just another feeling that’s easily projected onto others.

I feel uncomfortable and it’s your fault! If only my boss, partner or friend would get their act together, then everything would be ok!

So what are some practical steps to take to get you out of this mess?

1. Create a plan to get what you want.
2. Connect with and express your feelings.
3. Connect with and express your needs then connect with your partners needs.
4. Ask yourself: “If I have this need met, will I feel better for it?”

Developing the skill of listening and connecting with what someone is expressing is the basis for meeting needs and growing relationships. Release your need for association with or need to fix another persons problem but at the same time take responsibility for your own behavior.

Key is taking responsibility for the quality of relationship with your partner, business colleague, friend etc. Know what you want and why you want it, and then use authentic communication as a means to get it and grow your relationship.

Developing an Effective Relationship with your Boss

Do you disagree with your boss on a way forward (vision), have ulterior values or motives, break-downs in communication, or feel your talents are being underutilized and undervalued?

How do you stop the rot and initiate a process to take ownership of your feelings, be the captain of your ship and influence your relationship so you can get what you want?

Recognize your issues with ways your boss does business. If this is too much to handle start looking for a new job. However, if you can understand this and be ok with it, you will find yourself more able to take ownership of your feelings and grow your relationship.

Try communicate your need to be more involved in creating a vision aligned with your values. See if you can validate this with results the company’s looking for. Open dialogue and rapport are effective tools for your growth and development as an individual and a collective.  

If you feel your talents are being underutilized communicate this non-vindictively and show your boss how your skills can be used to benefit the company. What skills do you have that will give you a competitive edge?

Could you write reports or articles on competitors, the nature of your industry, or internal company flaws to increase value? Could you redesign an internal process for more effectiveness? If these seem like large projects focus on a smaller scale value-add.

Does one disagreement with your boss have a snowball effect on your future interactions? Before things spiral into an argument try observing your behavior at times when you feel uncomfortable around your boss.

What do you think and how do you feel when you’re around him/her - anxious, angry, jealous, vindictive..? By observing and not responding to these thoughts and feelings you build awareness and mastery around such impulses.

Does your behavior reflect your core values when cooperating with your boss and to what extent do your interactions advance your career by way of more money, a higher company position, more meaning and purpose, or a greater sense of happiness?

Understanding & Transforming Crisis

How do you respond when faced with a crisis, cross-roads, or uncertainty? We all come face to face with extreme fear, anxiety or anger at some point. How do you deal with it?

Job loss, relationship break-up, economic melt-down, paying the mortgage, providing for a family; there are times when you will feel the crunch. This builds on increasing levels of complexity.

How do you stay grounded, relaxed but focused enough to build mastery, maturity and the skills needed to overcome the obstacle you face and use it for your growth?

How do heroes respond to challenging situations or crisis? In order to overcome it they have to acknowledge and face its presence, while often they have to, with the help of a mentor, channel, train and develop their powers to understand and know how to master it.

Faced with crisis, we resist because we do not want to loose control (which paradoxically we never had to begin with). However, if we can choose not to respond to this impulse but embrace, own and deeply understand our challenges then we can develop mastery.

As far as I can see when faced with crisis you have 2 options:

1. Give into the feeling of overwhelm, anxiety and helplessness
2. Own your feelings and anxieties and take appropriate action regardless of future success or failure

Trying to control your fear, anxiety or anger only creates suffering. Rather, feel it fully in order to transcend it. You can then work with others to create what you want. Until you encounter the next level of challenge.

As things become more complex personal mastery holds more value. More complex problems require a greater level of skill, knowledge and ability to overcome because this gives you what you need at that level.

Faced with crisis, do you respond with push-back, resistance and the need to control or do you apply yourself and develop the level of skill and maturity to master it?

Confidence

What is confidence?

Confidence is determined by our level of achievement, our sense of belonging, and our level of self-esteem. These are closely linked to our human needs. The need for power, freedom of thought and action, the need for significance, connection and love, growth, and recognition for a contribution beyond self.

Confidence is taking action aligned with your vision and values even when things aren’t going your way and you are willing to risk failure for this. It’s about being clear on your values and making sure your behavior is aligned with these.

Why is confidence important?

Because you feel better about yourself, you have more pep, you can communicate your values, you can get what you want, you can be successful. This gives you more money, greater meaning and purpose, and the desire to excel in your field. It may significantly improve your relationships and could result in you solving complex problems quickly and effectively.

How do you develop confidence?

• Use self-awareness to build competence and boost identity. Self-awareness builds self-esteem through personal appreciation and understanding. Build self-awareness around who you are, what you stand for, so others acknowledge this too.

• You have to be interested in developing it as well as working on understanding your core values and what they mean to you. You have to be willing to risk failure to develop what you want. You have to constantly take action aligned with your vision.

• Once you know what you want, construct and set your goals accordingly and then work towards achieving them. Once you do achieve your goal add it to your success list which you can use as a reference to build your self-esteem.

• Master your mindset: transform limiting and scarcity self-talk that can kill self-confidence. Rather use a growth or abundant mindset which will help you bring alive what you will feel and experience when your confidence turns into success.

At the heart of confidence you are relaxed yet focused, grounded in your core values and purpose, lightly holding your vision as you fearlessly move forward creating what you want. Having a deep belief in your ability to achieve your goals is paramount! Oh yeah, and don’t give up if you encounter set-backs along the way.

Autonomy, Mastery & Purpose

Do you do things out of a desire to do them?

Traditional businesses use the carrot and stick as a form of motivation. They offer you a reward to meet a certain target/challenge. This reward serves to narrow your focus and blunt your creativity.

A new way to motivate engages vision and involves autonomy, mastery and purpose.

Autonomy: the need to influence and drive our own lives.

Mastery: the ability to not respond to every impulse that arises while developing core capabilities.

Purpose: the desire to use skills & talents in the service of a greater means.

These are the building blocks for a new business operating system.

Autonomy:

The traditional form of management may be good for compliance but not for growth and development. If you want engagement and whole-hearted participation then self-empowerment works better.

For example, take Google. They have something called 20% time during which they can work on anything they want. They have complete autonomy over time, task, team and technique. Over half of the new products are born during 20% time such as Gmail and Google News.

If you get better results by introducing more autonomy, then it makes sense to use this as a key element of the new operating system. Not only will the business get better results but people will feel better about themselves and what they have to offer (skills & talents) the business. It therefore, encourages growth and development.