A couple divorces. After 2 years of being the sole support for their son, the mother is now angry and frustrated. She needs financial support for insurance and medical bills as well as for the father to be more actively involved with their son to allow her some time off.
She could resort to legal action that would be expensive and difficult, not to mention the years or lifetime of tension and anxiety that it would create.
First off she needs to become clear on what she wants and how much of a priority that is because in order to do this, it's going to take time and energy. If it's not a priority, one that we can give time and energy to then better just to drop it altogether or in this case, take a chance in court.
A more intelligent approach would be to visit a mediator before anything else because it’s unlikely that when emotions run high we're going to find the clarity to think and act purposefully. If she can learn through this mediation process to think, act and communicate more authentically then she might be able to get what she wants.
It’s all well and good knowing what you need in relation to the challenges you face, but authentic communication takes time and energy and we can only deal with so much at a time.
So how could she prioritize this according to her need for financial support among others? It’s critical to not only know what we need, but how important it is.
- accept and work to change a situation
- accept and move away from it (if possible) if it's unacceptable and we determine we either can’t change it or it's not a priority
- accept and live with it if it's unacceptable but we can't change it or its not a priority and/or we can't move away from it.
The difficulty lies in the acceptance of a certain issue because we are so used to pushing back or resisting when things don’t go our way.
The traditional way of getting what we want is to push back or demand it and then we wonder why we end up frustrated when we don’t get what we want.
This language is embedded in our psyche at a young age by our parents, then by our school teachers, by universities, organizations.
I went to a very traditional school where if you did well academically or sportingly, especially rugby, you were rewarded and thrust into the spotlight. Communication is defined by a set of rules that you have to conform by - you must attend chapel everyday, learn the school hymn, wear uniform, cut your hair, polish your shoes, make tea and sandwiches for prefects, get grades to get into university.
And this type of communication is found everywhere in our relationships, after all it’s what we’ve been programed to know. It’s deeply entrenched in corporate culture where if you don’t work to satisfy shareholder value, then you’re deemed surplus to requirements.
This type of communication is built on limit and control. The objective: get everyone to conform. This language is destructive and denies choice or responsibility.
It’s communication that’s built on shame, guilt, duty, reward, punishment, and everyone pays for it because it separates us from what we want at a deep level.
This is communication that abounds in the game of who’s right, and if you’re wrong, then you must be punished. Although highly toxic, there’s a kernel of truth to it. The clean and necessary part of it lies in its ability to uphold boundaries as well as helping us heal at that level where we experience pain.
The real objective should be: never try teach anybody anything, never try to change anyone. This type of power lies within self, and we know it, we’ve just lost the connection with it.
Does it become uncomfortable for you to voice what you’re feeling for the fear that it might turn into another fight? What’s going on here, and is there a solution to this problem?
One way to escape this is through empowered communication: Learning to communicate more effectively gives you understanding, connection, the ability to build meaningful relationships, gives you what you want.
The first step lies in being able to understand and connect with what you want. If I get what I want will my problem be solved?
Then connect with the feeling behind your unmet need: are you annoyed, angry, confused, disconnected, embarrassed, tense, sad... Naming the feeling gives you ownership of it, otherwise it's just another feeling that’s easily projected onto others.
I feel uncomfortable and it’s your fault! If only my boss, partner or friend would get their act together, then everything would be ok!
So what are some practical steps to take to get you out of this mess?
- Create a plan to get what you want.
- Connect with and express your feelings.
- Connect with and express your needs then connect with your partners needs.
- Ask yourself: “If I have this need met, will I feel better for it?”
Developing the skill of listening and connecting with what someone is expressing is the basis for meeting needs and growing relationships. Release your need for association with or need to fix another persons problem but at the same time take responsibility for your own behavior.
Key is taking responsibility for the quality of relationship with your partner, business colleague, friend etc. Know what you want and why you want it, and then use authentic communication as a means to get it and grow your relationship.
