Ask yourself the question: what do you really want and how can you use communication to help you achieve that?
Let’s say I’ve been working at the same company for 3 years - meeting targets, satisfying shareholder value, exceeding expectations - without a raise in salary.
I now feel frustrated because I look around and I see opportunities to earn a lot more with my skills and experience.
If I still want to work for the company, then I must communicate my need to earn more money to my boss or director.
“I feel frustrated because over the past 3 years I’ve sweated blood to meet and exceed targets to satisfy shareholder value without any value-add on my part. I need more money for the amount of work I put in. So, given my skills and experience, I request a 25% increase in salary.”
If my need can’t be met and I can’t put up with my current rate, then I need to start looking for a better paid job.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Listening & Interpreting: Key Components of Communication
Whenever we claim to have privileged access to the Truth and whenever we assume that our particular way of being is the best or the “right” or the “true” way of being, our listening capacity is affected. Thus, so too are our relationships and our results.
Listening I would say, is almost more of a vital component to effective communication than talking because listening is to do with how we interpret things.
We tend to listen in such a way to make ourselves, our stories, our narratives and emotions “right.” Does this internal conversation limit you?
Instead of having a “right/wrong” focus in many areas of life, what if we instead tried to use a “works/doesn’t work” or “more useful/less useful” or “powerful/not so powerful” way of interpreting?
The way in which we interpret and take on ideas and information is influenced by 3 interlinked things, which I believe need to be questioned if we are to become effective communicators.
If we are fixed in the way that we listen and interpret according to these 3 criteria, then we limit ourselves in our relationships and in the way that we communicate with one another.
How we listen and interpret, to a greater or lesser extent, affects the results we can achieve.
Listening I would say, is almost more of a vital component to effective communication than talking because listening is to do with how we interpret things.
We tend to listen in such a way to make ourselves, our stories, our narratives and emotions “right.” Does this internal conversation limit you?
Instead of having a “right/wrong” focus in many areas of life, what if we instead tried to use a “works/doesn’t work” or “more useful/less useful” or “powerful/not so powerful” way of interpreting?
The way in which we interpret and take on ideas and information is influenced by 3 interlinked things, which I believe need to be questioned if we are to become effective communicators.
- Our motive: this includes our life experiences and our beliefs that develop out of those experiences.
- Our emotional space: these are the range of emotions that fluctuate from moment to moment and how we respond to them.
- Our physical body: how we show up in the world, our posture, our movement, and the way we represent ourselves physically.
If we are fixed in the way that we listen and interpret according to these 3 criteria, then we limit ourselves in our relationships and in the way that we communicate with one another.
How we listen and interpret, to a greater or lesser extent, affects the results we can achieve.
Monday, 30 April 2012
High Emotions Disrupt Effective Communication
When emotions run high it’s very difficult to have a conversation to either solve a relationship issue or try and achieve a goal.
When we communicate from a space where emotions (positive or negative) are spiking more than normal it’s easy to find fault or blame.
Our core personality - positive or negative, passive or active, introvert or extrovert tends to be enhanced when our emotions run high.
When we communicate from within high emotions, it’s actually the emotion that does the talking or listening - it’s the anger, frustration or stress that’s communicating.
It’s difficult to communicate with any confidence or clarity when our emotions are running rampant because we invariably don’t take ownership of such emotions.
When we do communicate from this point of view, what we say usually comes out all wrong, we end up regretting it, and we create a lot of resentment and misunderstanding in the process.
This erodes trust in any relationship setting you back when it comes to solving problems, achieving goals, increasing productivity, enhancing results.
Would you say that you interpret differently when you are in a mood of anger, than when you are in a mood of happiness? I know I do. For example, the same event may occur and my interpretation of it is radically different when I’m angry than if I’m happy.
It takes a level of skill and maturity to be able to observe your peaked emotions, so as not to communicate from within that space. You can then start to work at understanding them to take ownership of them.
When we communicate from a space where emotions (positive or negative) are spiking more than normal it’s easy to find fault or blame.
Our core personality - positive or negative, passive or active, introvert or extrovert tends to be enhanced when our emotions run high.
When we communicate from within high emotions, it’s actually the emotion that does the talking or listening - it’s the anger, frustration or stress that’s communicating.
It’s difficult to communicate with any confidence or clarity when our emotions are running rampant because we invariably don’t take ownership of such emotions.
When we do communicate from this point of view, what we say usually comes out all wrong, we end up regretting it, and we create a lot of resentment and misunderstanding in the process.
This erodes trust in any relationship setting you back when it comes to solving problems, achieving goals, increasing productivity, enhancing results.
Would you say that you interpret differently when you are in a mood of anger, than when you are in a mood of happiness? I know I do. For example, the same event may occur and my interpretation of it is radically different when I’m angry than if I’m happy.
It takes a level of skill and maturity to be able to observe your peaked emotions, so as not to communicate from within that space. You can then start to work at understanding them to take ownership of them.
Thursday, 26 April 2012
The Flaws of Traditional Communication
How often have you been to one of those training talks or team building exercises where what gets expressed has little significant change on your personal development in the workplace?
We attend the talk by the “expert” in the field and we sit through a long presentation with 100 powerpoint slides.
While some of the points may be valid, there is invariably no follow up. We walk out of the talk, perhaps feeling slightly better, or even slightly worse, and in the next couple of days we fall back into bad practices and ineffective communication.
The problem with most powerpoint presentations is that they try to get you to understand, and if you don’t understand you fail. This just erodes trust and creates misunderstanding.
The core assumption of traditional communication is: I must get you to understand me, and you must get me to understand you. This either results in tension or frustration and anger or people just go quiet and sulk in the corner.
Through a process of feeling valued and understood will team performance in the workplace begin to escalate.
Learning healthy communication skills is a process. It’s something that has to be learnt and practiced and then learnt again and practiced again.
If we are to develop empowered team players, strong relationships, success and results in the workplace, we have to take the time to understand ourselves, our colleagues as well as each others feelings, needs, desires and aspirations.
Without a strong sense of identity and connection, we remain at the surface level of fault finding, trying to get people to understand us and marginalization.
We attend the talk by the “expert” in the field and we sit through a long presentation with 100 powerpoint slides.
While some of the points may be valid, there is invariably no follow up. We walk out of the talk, perhaps feeling slightly better, or even slightly worse, and in the next couple of days we fall back into bad practices and ineffective communication.
The problem with most powerpoint presentations is that they try to get you to understand, and if you don’t understand you fail. This just erodes trust and creates misunderstanding.
The core assumption of traditional communication is: I must get you to understand me, and you must get me to understand you. This either results in tension or frustration and anger or people just go quiet and sulk in the corner.
Through a process of feeling valued and understood will team performance in the workplace begin to escalate.
Learning healthy communication skills is a process. It’s something that has to be learnt and practiced and then learnt again and practiced again.
If we are to develop empowered team players, strong relationships, success and results in the workplace, we have to take the time to understand ourselves, our colleagues as well as each others feelings, needs, desires and aspirations.
Without a strong sense of identity and connection, we remain at the surface level of fault finding, trying to get people to understand us and marginalization.
Monday, 23 April 2012
The First Step Towards Authentic Communication
Feelings or states of consciousness are chemical reactions that form in our body-mind. Feelings are however, only temporary - if experienced, owned and released, they offer a constant variety of moods and sensations.
When a chemical reaction occurs we may experience a state of consciousness that we term an emotion such as happiness, joy, excitement or anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety.
When it comes to communicating effectively to have our needs met, we have to be in tune with our feelings or states of consciousness. How else are we able to get what we want in life. Communication is fundamental to obtaining success in relationships.
The problem is that many people either suppress their feelings because they see expressing them as weakness. Or, people identify themselves with a plethora of feelings which they don’t know how to handle so they project them onto others.
In both cases there is no ownership of feelings involved. This results in breakdowns in communication and misunderstandings.
The first step in being able to communicate more authentically is to observe and understand your own states of consciousness (feelings). Only once this has occurred will you be able to begin building meaningful relationships.
Honest communication of our feelings, fears and vulnerabilities creates a bond of empathy and understanding with others, from which we can begin to emphasize the goal of what we communicate.
Taking responsibility and ownership of our feelings in a non-judgemental and non-blaming way through clear, concise and uncluttered communication results in successful partner, friend and work colleague relationships.
It is in our nature to want to control our relationships in order to get what we want. This actually creates distrust, misunderstandings, and resentment. Then we have to work at rebuilding the trust again from scratch.
But if we communicate our sadness, concern, frustration or insecurity in the moment, it’s not seen as a justification of these types of feelings, but rather as taking ownership of them, so as to expose and release them. Otherwise we just end up suppressing them or projecting them onto others perpetuating the cycle of misunderstanding.
When a chemical reaction occurs we may experience a state of consciousness that we term an emotion such as happiness, joy, excitement or anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety.
When it comes to communicating effectively to have our needs met, we have to be in tune with our feelings or states of consciousness. How else are we able to get what we want in life. Communication is fundamental to obtaining success in relationships.
The problem is that many people either suppress their feelings because they see expressing them as weakness. Or, people identify themselves with a plethora of feelings which they don’t know how to handle so they project them onto others.
In both cases there is no ownership of feelings involved. This results in breakdowns in communication and misunderstandings.
The first step in being able to communicate more authentically is to observe and understand your own states of consciousness (feelings). Only once this has occurred will you be able to begin building meaningful relationships.
Honest communication of our feelings, fears and vulnerabilities creates a bond of empathy and understanding with others, from which we can begin to emphasize the goal of what we communicate.
Taking responsibility and ownership of our feelings in a non-judgemental and non-blaming way through clear, concise and uncluttered communication results in successful partner, friend and work colleague relationships.
It is in our nature to want to control our relationships in order to get what we want. This actually creates distrust, misunderstandings, and resentment. Then we have to work at rebuilding the trust again from scratch.
But if we communicate our sadness, concern, frustration or insecurity in the moment, it’s not seen as a justification of these types of feelings, but rather as taking ownership of them, so as to expose and release them. Otherwise we just end up suppressing them or projecting them onto others perpetuating the cycle of misunderstanding.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Belief Systems Built on Limit
We are all brought up to believe certain things. These things are influenced by various contexts such as cultural, institutional, parental, communal, or political and financial based systems and ideologies.
These beliefs, over time, become part of our make-up; the neural networks in our brain fire at this frequency for a period of time for a pattern to emerge. This emergent pattern becomes reflected in our behavior which is fundamentally driven by such belief systems and experiences.
Because our beliefs become so embedded in our consciousness, our communication invariably works to reinforce these beliefs. Our beliefs become so believable that we communicate the essence of these beliefs from the very core of who we are.
And because these beliefs are communicated from our very core, we perceive them to be fundamentally right. When we encounter an alternate belief system being communicated at another frequency, it is in our nature to react negatively to it.
After all, if it doesn’t fit in with our belief system then how can it be right? And if it’s not right, then it must be wrong!
However the paradox lies in the fact that in order to evolve the human race, to make systems and structures better, faster, more efficient and more effective, we need new ideas.
But we have to express these new ideas if they are to take root and we are to have any chance of becoming more proficient at what we do.
However, when people communicate things we don’t want to hear – things not in line with our belief system – we try to repress them because we don’t want to change our current belief system. After all, we’ve invested a lot of time and energy in it.
But change I would argue, is happening all the time, this is the law of the universe, this is the way we have evolved as a species progressively through time. However messy it may be, it is both necessary and relevant.
So what lies beneath this clinging on to belief systems that form the patterns of communication, interaction and relationships that stay in one place, resisting development? Belief systems built on limit.
I would argue that it stems from the need to control. When we are in control everything seems under wraps, things are normal, safe and secure. This ultimately is the resistance to change, growth and development that results in the perception of limit as well as lower levels of peace and happiness.
These beliefs, over time, become part of our make-up; the neural networks in our brain fire at this frequency for a period of time for a pattern to emerge. This emergent pattern becomes reflected in our behavior which is fundamentally driven by such belief systems and experiences.
Because our beliefs become so embedded in our consciousness, our communication invariably works to reinforce these beliefs. Our beliefs become so believable that we communicate the essence of these beliefs from the very core of who we are.
And because these beliefs are communicated from our very core, we perceive them to be fundamentally right. When we encounter an alternate belief system being communicated at another frequency, it is in our nature to react negatively to it.
After all, if it doesn’t fit in with our belief system then how can it be right? And if it’s not right, then it must be wrong!
However the paradox lies in the fact that in order to evolve the human race, to make systems and structures better, faster, more efficient and more effective, we need new ideas.
But we have to express these new ideas if they are to take root and we are to have any chance of becoming more proficient at what we do.
However, when people communicate things we don’t want to hear – things not in line with our belief system – we try to repress them because we don’t want to change our current belief system. After all, we’ve invested a lot of time and energy in it.
But change I would argue, is happening all the time, this is the law of the universe, this is the way we have evolved as a species progressively through time. However messy it may be, it is both necessary and relevant.
So what lies beneath this clinging on to belief systems that form the patterns of communication, interaction and relationships that stay in one place, resisting development? Belief systems built on limit.
I would argue that it stems from the need to control. When we are in control everything seems under wraps, things are normal, safe and secure. This ultimately is the resistance to change, growth and development that results in the perception of limit as well as lower levels of peace and happiness.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
The Value of Maturity & New Perspectives
The less perspective you hold, the less skillful, and less mature position you occupy. An example of a less mature and less skillful position could be a generalization or a globalized statement such as; “All women are bad drivers.”
Let’s return to this generalized statement, while we take a look at maturity. I define the word ‘maturity’ as the ability to take on perspective. Much of our modern day communication is built on immature responses and counter responses.
We are not even able to take on another person’s perspective and therefore find it very difficult to relate, to understand, to feel understood, to build connection and develop relationships. We communicate like 2 boxers in the ring - the one punches and expresses his/her opinion, and then the other punches and expresses his/her opinion, and so we go back and forth with little to no clarity, conciseness or depth of understanding.
A more mature position would be to really step into the other person’s perspective, instead of just hearing the words, really listen to them, get their position. For example: “I can see that perhaps I won’t change your position. I can understand your position and I don’t have to change my position, but I can take on your perspective.”
Returning to the “women are bad drivers” generalization. Say a man who held this limited opinion was driving along the road and came behind a car driving very slowly, very carefully, cautiously. The man shouts out: “Hurry up, get out my way, bloody fucking woman driver!” As he passes he turns his head to gesture his frustration and sees that the driver is in fact a man.
Does he use this situation to grow, to alter his limited paradigm/belief system that all women are bad drivers, or does he merely continue along the same limited path by exclaiming: “Dude drives like a bloody woman!”
New perspectives give us more space to work in. This gives us the freedom we desire. It also enables us to become better communicators, which directly influences our relationships at home or in the workplace.
Let’s return to this generalized statement, while we take a look at maturity. I define the word ‘maturity’ as the ability to take on perspective. Much of our modern day communication is built on immature responses and counter responses.
We are not even able to take on another person’s perspective and therefore find it very difficult to relate, to understand, to feel understood, to build connection and develop relationships. We communicate like 2 boxers in the ring - the one punches and expresses his/her opinion, and then the other punches and expresses his/her opinion, and so we go back and forth with little to no clarity, conciseness or depth of understanding.
A more mature position would be to really step into the other person’s perspective, instead of just hearing the words, really listen to them, get their position. For example: “I can see that perhaps I won’t change your position. I can understand your position and I don’t have to change my position, but I can take on your perspective.”
Returning to the “women are bad drivers” generalization. Say a man who held this limited opinion was driving along the road and came behind a car driving very slowly, very carefully, cautiously. The man shouts out: “Hurry up, get out my way, bloody fucking woman driver!” As he passes he turns his head to gesture his frustration and sees that the driver is in fact a man.
Does he use this situation to grow, to alter his limited paradigm/belief system that all women are bad drivers, or does he merely continue along the same limited path by exclaiming: “Dude drives like a bloody woman!”
New perspectives give us more space to work in. This gives us the freedom we desire. It also enables us to become better communicators, which directly influences our relationships at home or in the workplace.
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