Simple & Effective Relationship Communication

Are you done with the endless, repetitive and soul destroying fights and arguments you find yourself having with your life partner, colleagues, supervisors and other idiots at large. Are you interested in knowing how to have a conversation that not only solves problems but also radically improves the probability of actually having your real needs met and builds the relationship.

Awesome, let me invite you to go pour yourself a cuppa java, put your feet up and contemplate a more useful way, to have an argument.

Let’s get clear, everybody loves arguing but few enjoy the bad feelings, breakdown in trust and future problems it causes. It’s one thing to find a culprit and quite another to dissolve tension, create sustainable solutions and get what you need.

So right out the blocks you need to be aware of whether you’re a victim and lynch mob or a creative solutions engineer, you're either one or the other. It’s time to choose ...

Now in order to have a meaningful discussion that’s actually going to do that job, it’s imperative that

• You find a time when both of you feel relaxed and open to investigating and communicating about issues which probably will quickly lead to an argument if not handled creatively and intelligently. I.e. there’s no point in having a potentially explosive sex conversation late at night when you’re both tired, grumpy and vindictive.
• As inviting as this may seem, an investigative argument is not about who’s right and wrong but about creating (not finding) a solution, which of course means you need to own your baggage and real needs and be fully open to participating in the creative process, regardless of how pissed off you may feel. Can you get over yourself?

You can, cool, let’s forge ahead.

Rules for effective communication

In any communication there’s a sender and a receiver. The sender will define an issue as an unmet need. Don’t discount your partners need because all issues are valid. Whoever has the unmet need, owns the issue.

• Have an attitude of ownership because you’re not blaming your partner for your unmet need. As the receiver you must acknowledge that it’s not your issue so you can be in a space to be receptive to your partners need.
• Only focus on one issue at a time so that you don’t get caught up in a multitude of problems.
• Take turns being the sender so that only one person speaks at a time, and when you speak, speak with moderation, don’t yell at your partner.
• As the receiver listen with curiosity and an open mind. By not pre-judging your partner your relationship will be more fulfilling. Often a scarcity mindset drives one into conflict, but if you assume win-win in communication, then your relationship will flourish.
• Nurture the space between the two of you, this is the relationship, and it must be kept clean with honesty and you are both 100% responsible for this space.

The Receiver

80% of the role of the receiver is about your attitude. You need to be compassionate and supportive to your partner.

• The best role you can play is that of the coach/mirror. Be curious and listen intently to your partner so you can provide a space for them to express their issue.
• The sender expressing their issue may result in you hitting a wall of judgment, difference in interpretation on an issue, defensiveness or a reactive feeling such as anger, fear, anxiety or shame.
• It becomes much harder to communicate effectively from this fight or flight mode of response. You need to understand your reactive response, realize you’re up against a wall, feel into your uncomfortable feeling fully and then consciously back-up.

The Sender

As the sender you need to identify and communicate your issue clearly and concisely. There’s a difference between experiencing something and being clear about what it is you’re experiencing.

• Often you have an internal reaction in your gut that feels uncomfortable; this is not a good position from which to communicate your issue. Again, backup to be able to express your issue in a calm manner.
• Understand if you are a talker or a thinker and likewise if your partner is a talker or a thinker. The talker needs to talk immediately about the issue, while the thinker needs more time to contemplate the issue before talking to their partner. Often the talker is the female and the thinker is the male.
• It’s up to the sender to communicate the issue and it’s up to the receiver to reiterate what the issue is about, this can be done through mirroring or coaching which will result in getting and giving validation of the issue ie. “Yes, you’ve got it!” on the senders’ part.

Requesting

Requesting focuses on the positive, but let go of the outcome/the how, and as the receiver you can then ask: “Do you have a request?” Or, “what you need from me is….”

• The best way for the receiver to respond to the senders request is with a resounding “yes” or if you can’t meet that need then say so and offer a reasonable alternative.
• Propose something that would work for you as well as meet the need of the sender, which is negotiation.

Negotiating

Negotiation is a win-win where both parties are 100% happy with the outcome.

• Brainstorm and be creative or contemplate the solution to come up with something that works for both parties so that it sticks.
• Be patient if you don’t find the answer straight away, you don’t know what you don’t know, the answer will come eventually through talking and brainstorming and being open minded.
• As the receiver never say “no” to the senders request, rather counter propose something you can do that meets your partners needs.

Agree & Follow Through

Once you’ve both agreed on the action to take, assuming positive intent from both parties, then you must follow through with the action. Be patient with the process, if you practice these steps over time you will bounce back from the wall quicker. Behavior follows patterns, so when you make this choice to better your communication, you will build a useful skill to restore connection any time you need to and this will result in a successful and fulfilling relationship.